Happy birthday to my maniac man on the move!

Dear Cris,

What an important year it has been! You my dear are learning so many things like how to unlock the secrets of letters and to have big aspirations, such as being a practicing ninja when you are 100. On your first day of kindergarten your biggest aspiration was to learn to be a spy. I have no doubt that you could have physically done it, you would have already engineered a pathway to the moon.

You have left the shadow of babyhood behind and now stand straight like a knocked bow string. You can still curl yourself into my lap, barely, but mostly I spend time looking at the back of your head as you dash to complete your next brilliant idea. You push ahead past naysayers, dream droppers, and road blockers, and sometimes even advice givers. Sometimes, sadly, even when that well wisher is me.

You take the world at full throttle and are utterly captivated by it. And you create curious and marvelous things- a periscope out of a rain gutter that stretches in a tree over our back fence (and thankfully wasn't quite long enough to reach the power lines above), custom holsters, trap doors, booby traps, propellers, catapults, bridges.

You have spunk, in abundance, and frequently lead the dance raves or the party, test your boundaries, and, completely shocking to me, even occasionally moon me. Your favorite things are bold and brassy, so it was completely fitting when you begged to join band this year to play trumpet. You were completely undaunted at being the youngest student that has ever been in the program. Yet you had to learn some valuable lessons about the power of persistence, team work, and humility. Keep coming back to those.

I hope you will continue to be undaunted by learning or paradigms of knowledge and know that it is awesome to keep learning about cosmology, and meteorology, and Gaelic, and knighthood- right now- because they are interesting to you and because only through our questions can we unlock the world.

I hope that you will let this world keep spinning you around and never ask to get off until the ride has come to a complete stop.

I hope that you will remember just how much love you have to give out from that very big, all be it, very crazy, heart of yours.

We love you so much.
X-O-X-O

Mom

AB[C...]D: All but [children...]dissertation

On Friday, Evan took his very last final ever! I am giddy. He is officially "all but dissertation"- that precarious wobbly rung on the graduate school ladder where most incoming monetary offers are so low one risks falling off the ladder from laughing so hard or from just jumping off. Sigh. At least we're at the top.

What a crazy journey it has been. In seven of the last eight years someone has been in graduate school, with three years in the middle with both of us in school at the same time. Nine combined years and three very pregnant pauses later, we are here. Um, that wasn't really the plan.

Us. Around 36 weeks pregnant with Cristopher. He was born at 41 weeks.

I found out about the first ellipsis on the same day as my first graduate class. I was working full time and had to commute more than an hour to my classes while frequently pulling over to puke. Quickly we were shuffling our very bouncy boy like a hot potato. For many of Cris' early months Evan was the primary caretaker after we choose for him not to return to teaching the fall after Cris was born. After my maternity leave, I went part time through my next two jobs.  That was fairly balanced because we both had some work time and lots of baby time. We put Cris in a home daycare part time at 15 months when I started a new full time job and Evan started his master's. It proved to be a very unfit situation and we almost had to report them for neglect when I picked him up one day with twenty bites all over him where another kid of the same age had attacked him when the caregiver was outside. Next we put him in a part time mother's day out that we all really loved. It seemed, momentarily, like maybe things were going to work well for all. But then really hit a wall- like a watermelon- when I was working closer to 60 hours/week (the double-edged sword was that most of it was from home) in addition to graduate school. After turning into a very mean blubbery mess most days, I gave my two weeks notice. I was very grateful to do extended nursing with him throughout all of it.

Cristopher, about 30 min after birth. With Evan and my sister.

Ironically, (or perhaps fortuitously), the day after my last day I found out I was pregnant again, but this time I had no job prospects and was between insurances. I am so very grateful for the state services that have splintered us throughout our graduate school process! I have become keenly aware of how complicated navigating those systems are as well as how challenging it is for most who depend on them and glimpsed the stresses of the masses in our country living below the poverty line. I hope that we will always be advocates for those weighed down under those issues.

Evan holding Connor just after he was born

While we love him dearly, this baby screamed frequently, never slept, and refused to take a bottle. Nothing we did felt like it was meeting his needs. I think we were all somewhat depressed. It was utterly exhausting. And the weekly 2 hour trip I had to make for my Tulsa class was pure torture for all involved. He would scream for 6 solid hours.  He absolutely refused to take any bottle of pumped milk. (I am quite certain that if I would have been working full time I would have had to quit my job just like a friend of mine I knew). Poor little guy! In retrospect, I wish I had just packed him up and taken him to class with me in a baby carrier. But I wasn't yet the kind of mother who was confident or bold about those kind of things. Most (Un)Perfect time for me to start on my thesis... By divine intervention, the most gracious mother-in-law, and way over-extending the generosity of most of my friends and family, I finished all of it when he was two and a half! I am so relieved that he is adjusting better to so many things now. I will never know if many of his challenges were entirely something he was born with or if some of his development may have been a bit compromised from the stresses he had as a baby. We are just now beginning to get a handle on some of his enigmas.

Finally in January of 2011 I found out that I was pregnant, totally unplanned, again. This time we were able to fully embrace the possibility.  I was the most sick throughout this pregnancy, but in October after a month of pre-term contractions, we met our wonderful girl at almost 42 weeks. She is the most peaceful patient jolly baby ever. We are all so grateful for her and how much time we all get to spend adoring her. She fills the world with light and joy.

Getting to know Calyn in our bed.

Meanwhile throughout all of this Evan has played in countless amazing concerts and ensembles. The kids have gotten to attend many of them (which means I was initially spending many hours trying to nurse/quiet/occupy a child throughout his professional events). At times he has been working many jobs and had many days that start and then end before dawn. But we are here! Finally! And we are very blessed.

Walking on water: A birth story

Just over a month ago my baby girl was born. Here is our story...

Calyn Elizabeth. 

8lbs 4 oz. 20inches. 41 weeks 4 days

 Walking on water

At home. On Monday.

We have coffee and quiche.

We have chatted through the night

and I am wading through the dawn.